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Hey Fairweather Friends, Ashkan here.

It’s a new year, and with a new year I have some new goals. One of which is to journal a whole lot more for the sake of stretching my writing skills and hopefully in doing so I’ll wander out upon some new horizons. I haven’t done so consistently in a long time, and if I’m being honest, I have some music to write lyrics for, so maybe this will help with that too. Part of all this will entail me occasionally selecting an excerpt from my journal, and sharing it with you. That said, here you go.

January 7th, 2016

Today I made the decision to come clean about something I had been hiding from a very close friend.

You’re probably thinking, “ooo, what did you do?” Well, I told you. I hid something from my friend, and to make matters worse, I lied about it.

I didn’t go into this situation thinking, “oh, I’ll just lie about it.” In fact, I didn’t go into this situation with any intention. I simply did something arbitrary, and when the question was posed asking what I did, I instinctively tried to cover it up without even thinking about it. What I did wasn’t necessarily a “bad thing” either, but my own fear of the possible reaction to this said “bad thing” scared me into trying to hiding it.

So, what did I do? Bottom line, I betrayed my friend’s trust.

Why did I come clean? Well, frankly I wasn’t comfortable with who I was when I chose to hide. It was like playing hide and seek, never being found, and so I finally decided to showed myself. What I did was not who I am and what I am about. Therefore, when a recent conversation came up with my friend, I chose to take off the mask and open up about it. At first there was the classic rise of emotion, then the anger, the tension, but afterwards there was a silence. At first I felt bad about the what I hid, but in the silence I realized that the bad feeling I sensed wasn’t triggered by what I hid, but it was my choice to hide it by lying that left me feeling terrible. Even after I came clean, my friend expressed that what I did (the thing I lied about not doing) wasn’t what was bothering them so much, but it was that I chose to hide it from them, and in some respect I became someone who I am not. For a brief moment, I became someone that this friend is not familiar with and THAT was where the issue lied.

I betrayed my friend’s trust and made them begin to question their perception of who it is that I am and strive to be. Fear, anxiety, distrust and even hate can do a number within ones mind if they are dwelt upon for a long enough time. Creating a space for that is the last thing I want to do to anyone, especially a best friend. My choice made them question the fabric that I am made of, in other words my integrity. I was acting like pleather when I’m made of leather.

What about you? What do you do to maintain your state of being and who you are?

-Ashkan

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